a few weeks ago i went to the gauntlet. they were doing some promotional mumbo jumbo for a lesbian themed film for which i had not yet seen. that film was DESERT HEARTS.

now the way to remember if you want the word "desert" or "dessert" is to keep in mind with "dessert" you want seconds. it is in fact "desert" hearts and not "dessert." i'm a film critic and i hate anything that does not involve talking animals!


the drinks were real strong that night and the bar was fairly empty. there was a movie themed costume contest and all i saw was a man in a denim skirt. i shouted, "hey, this is dyke night. get that man off the stage!" but i don't think anybody heard me. she was a handsome lady. real handsome. i dropped my corncob pipe on the floor which was covered in dried semen no doubt.

fool me once and that's okay, you can learn. fool me twice and that's also okay, i feel like time is no object. i netflixed that there desert hearts. the dvd skipped and stuttered, probably from being rented by so many lesbians before. rubbing the dirty disc with their dinah shore weekend pullover in hopes of cleansing the disc but only soiling it more so.

the younger chick was okay. just okay. THE PROFESSOR was haggard and her face reminded me of Ross Perot. thusly, any sex scenes were rendered obsolete. the pacing seemed equal to the rate of watching an elder person get out of a seat on a bus. just as the elder person, the movie also had slight tremors.

in conclusion, if you like slow progressions, lesbians, the roaring '50s, and plays put on by armatures then you will like this movie lots.

otherwise, i am sorry.

Get 'em Girls!

'I'm a man!' lesbian growled during fight

BY JOSE MARTINEZ
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER

Posted Friday, April 13th 2007, 4:00 AM

A furious lesbian raged, "I'm a man!" during a wild seven-on-one beatdown of a male filmmaker in Manhattan, a witness testified yesterday.

Tattoo artist Louis Barak said he saw victim Dwayne Buckle try to diffuse the tension last August by ordering, "Calm down, woman!"

"And she's like, 'I'm not a woman, I'm a n-----, I'm a man!'" Barak said.

Barak said he never saw who threw the first punch in the melee outside the IFC Center on Sixth Ave., but he told jurors he saw one woman swipe at Buckle with a knife. Buckle took no offensive action, he said.

"He would do what any person would do," Barak said. "He was in a defensive mode."

But defense attorneys tried to paint Buckle as the aggressor by playing a video in which he appeared to be choking a woman. They also aired a video clip of Buckle, a video engineer who makes his own low-budget films, triumphantly waving a handful of hair pulled out during the fight.

Three women involved in the rumble are already behind bars for attempted assault, while the four others are currently on trial on felony gang assault charges.

The lesbians say Buckle, 29, was belted after he said, "I'll f--- you straight, sweetheart," to a woman who had rejected his come-on.

Prosecutors contend that the Queens man - who denied making the crude crack - was preyed upon by the gang of angry lesbians.

Jurors yesterday viewed videos and photos of the fight and heard from the cop who arrested the brawling ladies.

Police Officer Christopher O'Haire said the women were "almost festive" as he tailed them shortly after the street fight.

"They were walking, almost carrying on," he said.

jmartinez@edit.nydailynews.com