a few weeks ago i went to the gauntlet. they were doing some promotional mumbo jumbo for a lesbian themed film for which i had not yet seen. that film was DESERT HEARTS.

now the way to remember if you want the word "desert" or "dessert" is to keep in mind with "dessert" you want seconds. it is in fact "desert" hearts and not "dessert." i'm a film critic and i hate anything that does not involve talking animals!


the drinks were real strong that night and the bar was fairly empty. there was a movie themed costume contest and all i saw was a man in a denim skirt. i shouted, "hey, this is dyke night. get that man off the stage!" but i don't think anybody heard me. she was a handsome lady. real handsome. i dropped my corncob pipe on the floor which was covered in dried semen no doubt.

fool me once and that's okay, you can learn. fool me twice and that's also okay, i feel like time is no object. i netflixed that there desert hearts. the dvd skipped and stuttered, probably from being rented by so many lesbians before. rubbing the dirty disc with their dinah shore weekend pullover in hopes of cleansing the disc but only soiling it more so.

the younger chick was okay. just okay. THE PROFESSOR was haggard and her face reminded me of Ross Perot. thusly, any sex scenes were rendered obsolete. the pacing seemed equal to the rate of watching an elder person get out of a seat on a bus. just as the elder person, the movie also had slight tremors.

in conclusion, if you like slow progressions, lesbians, the roaring '50s, and plays put on by armatures then you will like this movie lots.

otherwise, i am sorry.