Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Here are some videos about the sweetest gift that god offers to us ladies...

Does this little girl have an extra chromosome?

Seriously, when I first got my period I totally cried. Like really cried. I got it the same day for the very first time along with my best friend. I remember feeling really crushed. When I told my mom she was so excited and I just cried. I cried. Did I mention that Aunt Flo made me cry? But I remember my mom had this demonic look on glee on her face at the time. In case you don't know, my mother is psychotic. My friends refer to her by her first name, the "___ster." I shall not divulge my mother's name. My mother ran for congress in I believe it was 2003. She lost. I won't even get into her crazy campaign. Oh maybe just a little...her like "head of PR" guy was a cocaine addict. He was also a "photographer" (where's my software? WHERE IS IT NOSE CANDY?!). He "designed" my mother's campaign posters. All over town my mother's face was blown up HUGE and her name and what she was running for was really small. Nobody knew what the hell this broad was grinnin' about all over town! Her face BIG, the office she was running for impossibly small. Did I mention that she lost? Did I also mention that was the beginning of my mother truly becoming a laughing stock of insanity?

So at any rate, my mother is coo-coo-crazy. She saved all of her maternity clothes, feeding gowns, and assorted baby items (until I threw them away during a move...they were "lost"). I remember though that when we had moved back to Southern California from New York State I was eleven and that was when my mother started trying to make me more feminine. Ah, yes I remember it clearly...let me tell you Sigmund Freud. Some highlights included my mother saying:

"I'm very proud of the fact that I shave my legs every day. There is never any stubble."

"Watch THIS, this is for girls!" (my mother ripped me away from the Discovery Channel to watch a QVC showcase on dolls.)

"NOOOOO, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS!" (at like the age of eight my mother forcing me to watch a movie by Otto Preminger entitled Exodus. FACT: The Barry Sisters a popular "Yiddish swing" group of the day sang the opening theme to Exodus. The Barry Sisters album "Shalom" is one of my favorite all time records.)

Lastly, my mother began telling me that all of her maternity and baby rearing paraphernalia was going to be mine some day. I remember crying over that too. She would like yell at me when I would tell her no! That was the worst! She'd like pick up this old, nasty, threadbare, feeding gown and thrust it under my nose and whisper with a reverence, "One day this will be yours..." Maybe this is why I love cats, yet do not like children. Well I like kids, but I don't like babies. I love old people, but not babies.

So long story short, my mother gave me weird images of what it means to be feminine, and I cried when I first bled. But I will say, that I would take my crazy ass mom any day over having a mother whom I couldn't be myself around. My mom knows that I'm a homo, and she doesn't really care as long as I'm happy... And dating somebody whom she approves of. I thank my stars every day that I don't have a mom like my ex with the super crazy (in a bad way), Christian, fundamentalist, Focus on the Family, 700 Club, ultra-conservative mom. That was one scary woman, with one frightening offspring. And well, my mom gives me ultra-fantastic stories and quotes. A favorite quote of my dearest Jen's is, "The gym isn't for fat people!" Then where do they go mom? Where do they go? I won't even get into the stories of going to the Paramus Mall...

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